There are many problems in the world today that it seems impossible to solve all of them in our generation.  However, there is an old institution that has been in existence almost as long as the human race first came into being (through whatever method you might happen to believe in), although it is hardly practiced in recent years:  Cannibalism.  Now, many people balk at this concept, indeed many civilizations consider Cannibalism taboo.  But it is my hope that I will be able to convince you, dear reader, that it is the simplest solution to most (if not all) of the most serious problems in our world.

However, I’m not suggesting everyone go out, kill someone, and consume their raw flesh in the middle of the streets right this second like a barbarian.  No, we must maintain our current level of control and civilization as we pursue this ancient tradition (did you know that many African tribes that practice Cannibalism believe consuming the flesh of their enemies provides mystical powers?).  While I attempt to convince you, dear reader, that this is the correct course for our civilization, I will provide a brief outline of how I envision we should go about implementing this practice.

So without further ado, I’ll now outline each problem in our global civilization, and how the practice of Cannibalism will solve it.  I will be focusing on the situation in the United States of America, unless specified.

The Economy:

Perhaps the foremost problem on most people’s lives at the moment is the current economic crisis that has swept the entire world.  There’s a near-record-high unemployment rate in the United States itself.  People have lost their jobs, students leaving high-school can’t find jobs, and no one can pay off their debts anymore.

Cannibalism will solve this problem in two different ways.  First, there will be more jobs.  We will need a sort of paramilitary group that will be sent into the poorer places of society to gather ‘volunteers’ to sacrifice themselves for the good of the rest of the humanity.  There will also be a need for workers to humanely end the volunteers’ lives (the method of lethal injection would be undesirable since the lethal drugs might spoil the meat, so I would suggest a guillotine) and to butcher the body, much like how a butcher cuts up a cow.  For the general population to accept another human as a food source, it needs to be presented to them in a form they are used to.  So steaks, ribs, canned meats, and perhaps ‘hot-dogs’ (which uses whatever else is available) would be the most ideal.

Another job that will need doing, at least in the short term, is more security for our country.  It’s quite possible there will be right-wing extremists that refuse to see logic and will protest my solution.  They may even attempt sabotage or outright terrorist activities in an effort to halt the healing of our nation.  So I would suggest an increased number of police and security personnel, perhaps even going so far as to use the National Guard to protect key factories where the production of human foodstuffs is made.

Of course, the other way Cannibalism would solve the economic problem is that there would be fewer people that would actually need jobs.

Climate Change:

While the economic crisis may be on the forefront of everyone’s mind, something everyone knows to be true is that we must preserve our planet Earth for future generations.  Climate change is a scientific fact (anyone that says otherwise is a selfish crackpot that obviously hates our planet).  One of the most widely accepted proposal for solving the climate change issue is to reduce the population of the planet.  After all, the vast majority of humanity serve no purpose other than to exist.  These “useless eaters” do nothing but eat, pollute, and create more humans to do the same.

However, under my proposal of adopting Cannibalism, these “useless eaters” can now serve a purpose.  The “useless eaters” can now be consumed by those that protect us from the criminal elements of society, the leaders that decide our country’s direction, and the business owners that keep our nation running.  As a result, there will be fewer people consuming our planet’s limited resources, fewer people polluting our planet, and less of a strain on our world’s food supply.

Security:

The fear of another terrorist attack on our nation is at least in the back of everyone’s mind.  The desire for increased security against foreign terrorists is something everyone wants.  So, while we are increasing the security in our country against the right-wing extremists that may oppose my proposed plan, we can simultaneously increase our security against foreign threats.  First off, making guns completely illegal in our country, except for security and military personnel, would go a long way of keeping weapons out of the hands of threats.  It’s far harder to cause chaos and create damage without weapons.

Second, we can increase the number of security cameras in key areas where people tend to gather and places that are a potential terrorist attack building.  With these cameras, operators (which would need to be hired, yet more job opportunities!) could monitor the population and watch for possible terrorist activities.  Both foreign and domestic terrorists, the ones that will inevitably be opposed to cannibalism, can be under surveillance before they do anything.

Hurdles:

As with all propositions, there will be certain hurdles in the way that must be overcome.  I have mentioned a few already, but I would like to enumerate a few here and provide possible solutions.

1) Resistance to change:  It has been scientifically proven that many people are initially resistant to changes.  Some may even react violently to it.  However, history has also shown that once something has been around for a while, most become acclimated to the change and it becomes the new norm.  Once that happens, the amount of violence in protest of this proposed solution should die down.

2) Acceptance:  For the population to accept this new food source, it will be necessary to overcome the taboo’s that have been unfairly widespread across the majority of humanity.  To help facilitate acceptance, it will be necessary to present the food in a manner that the population is used to.  There should be nothing that makes it look obviously human.  Steaks, ground meat, and ‘hot-dogs’ are just a few examples of the possibilities.

3) Diminishing Returns?:  Not an immediate concern, but one that may need to be addressed at some point, but some people might believe that this new food source will eventually run out.  I do not believe this will be an issue for several reasons.  At some point, we should hit a natural equilibrium between consumers and consumed.  And, like other meat-based food sources, it’s only limited by the speed at which they can reproduce.  It has already been documented that the population of humanity grows exponentially, while all other food sources grow geometrically.  Why not take advantage of that?  And, if it does become necessary, ranches dedicated to the raising of humans for the purpose of food can be instituted.

Conclusions:

Hopefully I have convinced you, dear reader, to give Cannibalism fair consideration.  I admit that it will not be a quick transition, nor a painless one.  However, as I attempted to prove here, it is a simple solution to the majority of our current world-wide problems.